Every morning is a battle. I put my mask on, although it doesn’t necessary fit well. Pause, smile for the camera. It’s hard not knowing where things are going to end up, or even if they’ll exist after 4 years. Sure you want to walk me down the aisle, that’s all fucking sweet, but it means shit when at one time you wanted to be the one waiting for me at the end of it.

Maybe you can’t take my mood swings or self-medicating, but it isn’t all a walk in the park for m either. The Right Thing To Do For Me is still all a fog, and I’m not even sure who “me” is these days. I’ve been doing things I never saw as part of my personality, acting in ways that are immature, but I guess I’ve hit a growth patch.

One of us has to have some hope, don’t you think? There’s a pinpoint of light streaming through the dark holes in our relationship; just enough to keep me here, but not for very long. It’s easier to fake it during the day, to cut off those emotions, to still my heart. At night when we’re sleeping and I’m holding you I am defenseless.

I will never forget you. Je t’aimerai toujours.

Deep down I think we already know that it’s over.

It’s been a while. A lot of things have been going on in my life that are making life complicated, in that way that makes you kind of not want to write about them, because, as someone once said to me “writing about it would make it real”. I’ve lost someone I thought was my friend because I failed to live up to their expectations of what a disabled person is supposed to act like. Another friendship was damaged because of personal issues and my friend lacking the maturity to be honest about a very touchy issue, instead, deciding to avoid my and send mixed signals. It’s not unfixable, we both have made some mistakes, but things have hit this strange awkward point between us.

And of course, my relationship is still sort of sitting in limbo. No bad, but not great. We’re just….waiting.

I feel like I need to do some serious self-inventory. My life and my attitude need to change. I need to find some inner peace, and I cannot rely on anyone else to provide that for me. Only I can provide that for myself, from within myself.

I don’t know what this means, what I have to do, but this daily grind shit has got me down. I feel like my life has hit stasis and I’m not growing at all. I have a few small things I want to be doing.

1) Do more reading. I have a sickening amount of books waiting to be read. I’m (finally) close to finishing Manufacturing Consent after many, many mornings and afternoons of reading 5 – 10 pages on the bus. Excellent/disturbing book.

2) More physical activity. Mel and I have been doing well with our biking, and I’m looking into taking up Taekwondo (sp?). I’ve always hesitated because of my CP, but a friend of mine is taking classes at a place downtown and says that there’s a guy with more severe CP than me who goes there and he’s a black belt!

3) Most importantly I need to deal with my anxiety issues and other emotional baggage. I care far too much what people think of me, and get hurt too easily when people fail to be who I need them to be. While I think it’s impossible to live life without any expectations of people, I think I need to loosen my grip on life a bit, and let more stuff just float on by. Of course, that is far, far easier said than done.

4) This is a maybe, but I think I need a change of scenery. Mel and I are thinking of moving to Toronto, and I think it would do me a lot of good to shake things up a bit in my life.

So far, that’s all that’s on the plate. But I’d say that’s quite a bit, no?