Apathy
It’s strange when you realize you’ve grown apart from someone who once really understood you. When you don’t share anything important any more, because the minute you tell someone something you know they will only disapoint you with their response. Maybe that’s not enough credit for them, for anyone, but I have become more careful with my own heart and soul, hording them, protecting them.
I used to be such an open book, throwing my emotions out there in front of me for the world to see. There was a time when I could turn to any number of friends and say, I’m bothered, X is upseting me. Now I just don’t. I say nothing to anyone. I’m not sure why – I think I just got tired of hearing my own voice, complaining about things that never change.
Sometimes my apathy about the relationships in my life overwhelms me. There are people who may one day no longer be a part of my life and on my most emotionally numb days I cannot bring myself to get upset about it. I’m almost resigned to it. When did I convince myself that “everyone leaves”? And why am I still trapped in this self-absorbed, adolesent pattern of thinking that in reality should have ended years ago? Of course people leave! Life is like that, it moves on, people change and grow, and yes, leave. I leave too, in many different ways over time. I need to stop silently putting so much pressure on people in my life, to stop trying to fit them into the pre-determined molds I designed for relationships.
How do you resolve yourself to the idea that while there are things you need in life to truly be happy, but these things may be unrealistic. Do you lower your expectations of the world? Maybe that’s the key – lower your expectations of the world – but that sounds awfully sad to me, actually.
Sometimes I feel like the epitome of the “man against himself” conflict.