Faith
An LJ friend of mine recently posted an entry about relationships, and one of the more “interesting” (for lack of a better word) aspects of the post and the following comments was the discussion around emotions, and when relationship issues drive one partner to tears, but the other appears (appears, I’ll emphasize) to be calm and dry eyed.
In my relationship I’m the crier. When things are going badly, and we’re contemplating an ending to our relationship, I know sometimes it would seem as if I were talking to my girlfriend about the weather. She’ll say “ok” or whatever responses she has like I’ve just told her laundry is done. It drives me absolutely batshit.
I think the whole dichotomy of criers vs. non-criers is one of the most frustrating ones, because while I can logically compute that “not everyone is emotional, people are different”, as such an emotions-driven person I am always thinking God, how can she just give up so easily, or show such little emotion about us possibly breaking up? (and then the mother of all the faulty thinking patterns) Obviously she doesn’t love me as much as I love her.
Ah yes. What does one do with a thought like that? I know for myself love = strong emotions. Or perhaps more honestly, love = emotions as strong as my emotions when I love someone. I’ve tried to tell myself, that even though she may not love me as much as I love her, she loves me as much as she can, with all that she’s got. Even if her emotions aren’t the driving force of her personality, I can’t fault her for that.
But being in a relationship with a logic person, someone who doesn’t cry when you’re in that black hole, well for me, it’s the ultimate act of faith. She tells me she loves me more than anything, that she cares if we break up, and I have to trust that with very little evidence that my understanding of the world can compute. The only metaphor I can compare it to is rligion.
I even rationalize it the same way:
(Religion) There has to be some form of after life – something!, because all of this can’t be for nothing. It just can’t.
(Relationship) She must love me a lot to do the long distance thing, and want to talk to me so many times a day, and to want to be so cuddly all the time. Plus, a person doesn’t put up with all the crap if they don’t truly love someone.
I need these things to be true so therefore they are. Whether or not my faith is well placed, only time will tell.
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I feel thick today. Thick, fat, ungraceful and ugly. My hair is horrible and I have no idea why I put on this outfit this morning. It seemed to look ok at the time, but now the jeans don’t fall right (the legs are too baggy and the ankles not wide enough) and my shirt is too short. And god knows why I thought it would be good fashion sense to wear my running shoes. Of course, it doesn’t help that I’m wearing 20,000 layers of clothing because it’s so damn cold outside. I’ve been desperately trying to figure out how I can go out tonight AND look good. Maybe I should go shopping.
I just love PMS, don’t you? I know that my perceptions are slightly off right now, but the reality is I need to tone up and lose about 10 pounds. I’ve got to follow through on working out, and getting back to counting the Weight Watchers points. If not both, then at least the working out.
This is the year that I will make myself over damn it. I need to have some sort of idea, visualization. I need to tape a picture of some kickass female athlete up on my fridge or something.
In other news, I’m wearing tights under my jeans (I told you it was cold), and it sucks because nylon/lycra makes me want to scratch off the top layer of my skin.