My boss just told me that I have a very strong value system. I’m not sure what to make of that, really. I had never really seen myself that way. I suppose if I had thought of it, it would be obvious that everyone has a value system, but I think mine is just so inherently a part of me that I tend not to recognize it’s existence.

“Strong”, really? I suppose I have the strength of my convictions [TM the X-files], but these days I’ve felt more than ever that I’ve begun compromising those beliefs. I do work on projects that I no longer believe in, and begin to think that perhaps my career is not as worthy as my relationship. And even in my relationship I sometimes wonder if the fact that my partner cannot match my “strong value system” (not that she doesn’t have one of course, I just think she’s more laissez-faire about things) will be a problem. I’ve developed a crush on a person in my french class that could easily turn into something more if I wasn’t, well, in love, and it scares me, as it’s been a long time since I had any sort of feelings for anyone besides my girlfriend.

Has my strong value system served me? My boss seems to think that it brongs something to the team, although whatever quality it was remained nameless. It was Good, but it was also Vague. My strong value system has caused me to hang on to beliefs about relationships that only served to cause me to hang on to something that no longer existed. It has caused me to spend my life fighting and angry because everything pissed me off.

But in the end it can be seen as the driving force behind a lot of what I do and how I act. And while these aspects of my personality may not always be universally understood, they are still me. Maybe “strong value system” is just another way of saying “you are strong in your self-image”?

It’s been hard to feel motivated these days. The world is moving around me and I just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep, hoping that when I wake up all my responsibilities will be taken care of, and any uncertainties about the future will have resolved themselves.

Maybe it’s just that it’s Monday. It’s hard to feel excited about a Monday. Monday is the day when the whole cycle begins again. Back to the jobs, back to the classes – 5 whole days until the weekend; will I make it until then? Strangely enough, I feel pumped this morning. I’ve managed to get some organizational issues out of the way rather quickly, and things at work seem to be moving forward. I’m this strange mix of apprehension and enthusiasm. Kind of like my brain is saying “It’s going to be a long week, and I don’t want to be here, but since I am, I’m ready to accomplish everything!“.

My mood has a split personality this morning. While there’s a lot to be done, and it’s intimidating, it’s nice to actually have something to do. I feel I have some small purpose in my existence today. So I’, going to try and hold on to this mood. It doesn’t happen for me very often. If everyday was like this – well it would be mind blowing.

And so I begin again after having journals at several other places, I finally have something on my own domain. It wasn’t easy, and although I’d prefer that it be power by Movable Type or Greymatter, blogger it is, because, well, it was easy and free.

I cannot say for sure what road this journal will take, or what my intentions are. I suppose it’s a place for me to be honest, but not too bare. I place for me to share my writing and my life with those who are interested. I’m not sure what made me decide to start over, I just knew that I had to. It’s the same as with paper journals, one needs to get a new notebook every once and a while. Right now as I write this I can’t help but feel the pressure of the “first page”. The way it was always supposed to be so neatly written, with exciting subject matter and impeccable writing skills. That first page was supposed to draw in my audience, although in paper journals I never had one. Well, I’ll admit that in my head my journals were great sources of pleasure for future historians

Thus, the title, Immortality by Proxy. Although in some ways I wonder if it’s a misnomer; will the electronic media be as lasting as old fashioned paper & pen? Perhaps the medium does not grant immortality, perhaps it is the simple act of writing, no matter what the form, that does it.